“The songs aren’t real, we just made them up” says singer.
Julian Casablancas has shocked fans by admitting today that the popular New York alt rockers The Strokes are not a real band. Casablancas revealed in an interview with Fern Britton that classic hits such as ‘Last Nite’ and ”You Only Live Once’ are not in fact genuine compositions but were merely made up by the band in order to give them some material to perform at gigs.
“We never thought it would go this far” said a visibly remorseful Casablancas “We thought ‘well we can’t be a band without any songs’ so we just got our instruments and played various different combinations of notes and rhythms until we had something which resembled the music we enjoyed and were influenced by”.
Added Casablancas “We never meant to hurt anybody”.
Since the shocking revelations musicologists have pored over the band’s recordings and confirmed the non-genuine nature of the music.
“If you look at this section of ‘The Modern Age” says Prof Ian Beale of the University of Music in Bangor “you can clearly see that it contains some of the 12 notes which have already been used widely in both the popular and classical music forms for years. This note for example is a G, which some scholars believe was used several times by the Beatles as early as the 1960s.”
He adds, “The whole thing has clearly just been put together cack handedly by someone with little regard for authenticity. I’m not even going to talk about the lyrics. I mean ‘In the sun sun having fun…’? What does that even mean?”.
In addition to the revelations about the music, the band members themselves have proved not to be what they seem. Casablancas has admitted that bassist Nikolai Fraiture is in fact his loyal childhood dog Barney, an Afghan Hound. “We didn’t know anyone who played bass,” he explains “and Barney seemed to like hanging around the rehearsal room so we just put some clothes on him like in Denver the Last Dinosaur.”
“We honestly can’t see how anyone was ever fooled”, he added.
Fraiture/Barney who released his solo debut album this year under the moniker Nickel Eye was unavailable for comment. However fans on the Strokes official messageboard have been quick to air their views. User ‘strokemeoff93’ claimed “I always knew it wuznt a reel album, you can even hear sum1 sayin walkies halfway thru and all the songs is just who let the dogs out played at different speeds and backwards and stuff”.
Leading the charge to condemn the band for their dishonesty has been NME magazine, who first championed them in 2001 and recently dubbed debut album ‘Is This It’ the ‘Greatest Single Achievement in Human History’.
Editor Spunky McFarlane commented “We feel let down. NME is all about championing real music made by passionate artists not afraid to step outside the boundraries of commerciality. We seek to provide thought provoking and in depth coverage of only the finest and most innovative modern music. We treat our readers as discerning and intelligent people who are willing to go the extra mile and discover records which deliver their rewards slowly over time, rather than being interchangeable bits of fluff which, after six months, will merely be another inert bit of plastic occupying shelf space.”
“This discovery that the Strokes music was entirely fabricated shocks me and will shock our readers… for approximately 5 seconds until they receive a text message about some shoes, or see any brightly coloured object.”
The band have vowed to carry on, saying their next album will contain ‘real songs’. “We’re determined to show people the real us” says guitarist Nick Valensi, who is in fact two young children standing on each other’s shoulders. “We’re going to work with the people who wrote the songs for Basement Jaxx and Coldplay”.
When asked to comment, White Stripes singer/guitarist and former friend of the band Jack White said “Two words: Milli Vanilli”.
Tags: the strokes