“How many books have been written about fucking Animal Collective?” demands former Beatles bassist
Sir Paul McCartney has expressed his anger that the reissue of ‘Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band’, the 1967 album by his band The Beatles, has failed to be named as best record released in 2009 by any music publication, despite healthy sales, and a positive critical response to the 42nd anniversary edition.
“No one even had it in the fucking Top Fifty,” Sir Paul expectorated whilst scoring a musical for frogs “It’s a fucking seminal work of genius. Who do these fucking people think they are? Just look at the cover. Do you know how much that cost?”
Despite only being the bassist, Sir Paul has been keen to claim credit for the success of the band since the death of singer John Lennon and lead guitarist George Harrison, and he continues to perform his former band’s hits at recent solo concerts despite fans clamouring to hear new material.
When asked his opinion of this year’s crop of critically acclaimed bands Sir Paul quipped “Animal Collective? More like Animal Fucking Rubbish” before chuckling gently to himself.
“Seriously though,” declaimed the whimsical scouser “How is that every fucking magazine regularly says that Pepper’s the best album ever made, so we re-release it properly and somehow suddenly there’s all these other records which are better? Is it just coincidence? ‘Oh yeah, sorry Paul. Right up until last year Pepper was the fucking dog’s golden knackers but then by sheer fucking coincidence fifty-odd brand new bands accidentally squeezed a superior long playing record out of their puckered little arseholes this year’. I don’t think so.”
“It’s just bollocks,” concluded the erstwhile mop top.
Scientists have estimated that ‘Sgt Pepper’ has been played continuously somewhere in the world ever since its release. Indeed a minor religion has sprung up on the remote island of Gunpoa where native tribespeople play the album constantly for fear that the night god will otherwise return and devour the sun. Except it doesn’t count when they’re turning over the record, otherwise it’d be stupid.
“If all the copies of Sgt Pepper ever sold were laid end to end, they would touch the bottom of the sea,” asserted the noteworthy vegetarian. “That’s more units than The xx will ever sell of anything, even if they started selling paperclips in boxes of a million and paid everyone to buy them.”
“We’re just not cool anymore, that’s what it is. I remember when you could buy fucking Beatles yoghurt.” explains the cheerful tunesmith “Yoghurt! Can you imagine? ‘Monoliths and Dimensions’ might be a fucking defining work of symphonic drone metal or some shit, but it’s never going to be commemorated in a variety of fruity fucking flavours is it?”
“No.” replied Sir Paul in response to his own question.
In support of his claims Sir Paul produced a copy of ‘Revolution in the Head’ the Beatles biography by Ian MacDonald, in which several passages praising McCartney’s musical abilities have been underlined and given annotations such as ‘that’s right’ and ‘yes’. By contrast a printed off copy of an article from Pitchfork.com praising ‘Merriweather Post Pavilion’ has been scribbled out almost in its entirety in red pen and the phrase ‘is a dick’ inserted after the writer’s name.
“No one would ever want to read a book about Animal Collective,” speculated Sir Paul “Because it would just be boring.”
Critics have sprung to Sir Paul’s defence. Simon Mondeo of Mojo magazine commented “Sgt Pepper is clearly the best album ever made. That’s why we feature the Fab Four on our cover at least a couple of times a year. It’s important that, like those who fought and died in the two world wars, we do not forget the contribution made by those four young lads from Liverpool who shook the world.”
Rolling Stone Editor James Blardy added “There is literally an infinite amount of fascinating new information about the Beatles emerging all the time. We’re actually concerned that we may have to start printing a separate magazine in order to cope with the sheer volume of novel and insightful commentary on this already over-exposed band which is produced on a daily basis.”
Readers of the NME.com messageboard have, however, responded to Sir Paul’s complaints with vitriol. User ‘iluvpete96’ wrote ‘who are even the beatles I dunt no my dad listens to them in d car an I jus fall aslep cos their shit lol’. ‘mongwithabong’ agreed, adding ‘I playd teh game he did on wii an it was okay but just hte same as guitar hero so I dnt fink ne1 will want to buy is songs cos there not orginial an all just sound like the libertins’.