Bono devastated to discover Santa ‘doesn’t exist’

Wikipedia blamed for saddening discovery

U2 singer Bono Vox is said to be ‘devastated’ on learning that festive toy distributor Santa Claus (also known as Father Christmas) may actually be a fictional character, and has vowed to ‘show the world the truth’.

Vox, whose real name is Gordon Sumner, had long been a believer in the antics of the iconic red-suited elf handler, but said that his suspicions were first raised when he searched pedants’ playground Wikipedia for Claus’ contact address and found the page was listed under ‘fairytale characters’.

Bono's bottom lip trembles

U2 bandmate Adam Clayton has been blamed for the lapse in supervision which led to the discovery. “We all take it in turns to watch Bono and make sure he doesn’t do anything silly” explains Clayton, who is either the bassist or the drummer – we can’t remember.

“I just left him on his own for five minutes whilst I went to drop the kids off at the pool* and when I came back he was bawling his eyes out. I saw the Wiki page for Santa on his laptop screen and my heart just sank”.

The jovial but obese character is said to distribute toys to children who conform adequately to a pre-determined but ultimately arbitrary moral code. However Bono has issued a statement claiming ‘Toys received in this way are in fact purchased for children by their parents, who then stage elaborate pantomimes and cheap conjuring tricks to cover up their deception. Inspections by youngsters of the backs of wardrobes have routinely uncovered evidence in support of this hypothesis’.

Well known for his championing of worthy causes, the melodramatic vocalist has immediately set to work publicising what he calls ‘an insidious global network of lies’.

He has already enlisted the help of prominent religious figure Pope Yoda XVIII who commented “Following Bono’s revelation I checked through the Bible and was shocked to realise that it actually doesn’t contain a single reference to Santa. I’d always just kind of assumed it was in there somewhere.”

Vox has previously been a high profile advocate of Christmas and has twice lent his distinctive vocals to versions of Band Aid’s ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’, a record he says he can no longer listen to. “Every time I listen to my signature delivery of ‘Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you’ I just feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. I would happily trade places with a starving African child if it meant I got my innocence back. Anything would be better than this shadow life I’m now living”.

The revelation has also affected his band mates, guitarist ‘The Edge’ said “I’m really disappointed, it was my turn to dress up for him this year”.

Santa: Not Real?

Since the high profile denunciation of the man he now refers to as the ‘bullshit whore-elf of greed’ Bono has been unrepentant at the effect his revelation has had on children worldwide. Reports have come in of entire shopping centres filled with inconsolable weeping tots.

John Conkers, caretaker at Manchester’s Dante-esque Trafford Centre, said “It were [sic] awful. The tiled floor was so drenched with the salty tears of a million broken hearts that we near [sic] run out of them [sic] yellow ‘wet floor’ signs to put up”.

Parents have also condemned the move. Writing on MummyWeb.co.uk user ‘timmysmum666’ said “I’ve always hated Bono, but now I’m having to google to see if there’s a worse word than c***”. ‘kneehighinnappies’ added “I’m going to burn all my U2 records. Again.”

There have also been fears that without the threat of a ‘naughty’ verdict from the judgemental arctic dweller parents will be powerless to enforce appropriate standards of behaviour in their otherwise rampantly selfish progeny.

Retailers have expressed fears that the star’s words may harm the all important pre-Christmas sales. Michael Pound-Coyne of Toys R Us stated “We’re not optimistic that we’ll sell anything now. No child is going to want hundreds of pounds worth of new toys if they haven’t been delivered in a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer”.

Whilst he has been keen to put paid to the myth of Santa, Bono acknowledges that it is, for him, a hollow victory. “Sometimes ignorance really is bliss,” he says “Like when we announce that we’ve finished a new album but no one’s heard it yet, you can really believe that it might contain songs which are even close to as good as the ones we wrote in the 80s.”

“All that keeps me going now is the knowledge that at least the Easter Bunny is still out there fighting the good fight.”
—————
*Clarification: Following the initial publication of this article Mr Clayton contacted our reporter to clarify that he was literally dropping his children off at a nearby swimming pool, and not using a colloquial euphemism for having a shit.

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