Music Writer Discovers ‘New Band’ in London

“They were just playing live at a venue I happened to be in,” explains journo.

Noted music critic and self-proclaimed ‘urbanista’ Ralph (pronounced ‘Raif’) Pilkington-Jones of music website SoundyTown has reportedly discovered a new band, previously unknown to music fans.

The discovery was made at London’s trendy ‘Venn-New’ in London. The hip new bar combines live music with Venn diagrams, and is described on its website as ‘Where bands play sets’.

RP-J (as he insists on being known) describes the moment he realised he was listening to a band previously unknown to musical science:

“Tamara (Blogworth – noted blogger) and I were enjoying vimto mojitos and discussing the latest [wibble], when I noticed that the four immaculately coiffed young men I’d seen setting up their instruments had begun playing a composition which was unfamiliar to me. I immediately shazammed the song on my BlackBerry and… nada!”

“That’s French for nothing, by the way…” he adds.

The first picture of the 'new' band

Jones promptly made a recording on his phone and took it into the lab run by Professor Horace Sandwich of iTunes University.

“I ran every test, cross checked it against the archives, and hacked into the mainframe,” explains the Prof “There was no trace of this song.”

Details are being kept under wraps, but we understand that the composition in question has a 4/4 beat, is in the ‘alternative rock’ genre and uses at least two guitars and a microkorg synthesiser. The lyrics reportedly describe feelings of sadness at a lack of female attention, and use the sea as a metaphor.

Plans are underway to find the band again and take proper scientific measurements. Pilkington-Jones has applied to the Peter Gabriel Foundation for Untainted Genius for funding for an expedition to a venue in Kilburn where he believes the band may be found.


“This is an exciting discovery but we’ve got to do it right,” explains Sandwich.

“It’s important that this band is allowed to thrive in their natural habitat. We may be about to experience music which is as yet untouched by conventional influences such as the Libertines, Green Day, and Oasis.”

False positives of ‘new’ bands are not uncommon. People regularly mistake one off collaborations, jazz fusion side projects, steel drum ensembles, live mashups, and line dancing for entirely new bands.

“However, by far the most common error,” says Prof. Sandwich “is that people send in sightings of what they think is a new band and it turns out to just be the Fall.”

The days of unenlightened outsiders destroying a ‘new’ band in their enthusiasm – known as the ‘Terris Effect’ – are also over, he explains:

“We don’t just tranq [use tranquilisers on] them, drag them off to the lab and chop them up for tests these days. First we must confirm that this is actually a new band, and not just a band playing particularly inept cover versions of existing material…

Then we chop them up.”

Pilkington-Jones, however, is optimistic and has already come up with a name for the band.

“I want to call them Homo Sapiens Musicolo Pilkingtonus. After myself.”

He also plans to write about them on his website, and may even ‘review’ the band’s music – attempting to provide a written assessment of its artistic worth. SoundyTown’s outspoken messageboard community is festering with excitement for the as yet unheard songs.

“It’s been so long since there was a new band,” says user ‘person_peach’ “I neeeeeeed something new to listen to. Not new as in ‘old but I haven’t heard it’ new as in ‘recently composed, irrespective of merit’.”


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